The album Elemental by the band Tears for Fears came out in 1993, when I was 11 years old. This was one of my favorite songs when I was 11 years old because I had a baby sitter who had MTV and they played this video where these guys were in the desert and also she had the cassingle with this song on both sides.
I couldn't sleep again tonight, so I spent the past three hours waiting for this album to download so I could listen to this one song on repeat for a while. Turns out, it's pretty much the only good song on this album. At least I've gathered that from the thirty seconds I gave each song on this album before returning to this song. There's a line about "Moses on a motorbike" after the breakdown (har har) in the middle of the song. It killed me when I was 11 and it still kind of does now.
The thing I'm going for here is nostalgia. I've been kind of feeling it a lot lately. It's particuarly potent this time of year, for some reason. I think it has to do with the fact that most of the important things that happen to me happen within the last two months of the year. This is probably false, but it feels true. When I go outside to smoke, and yes, I'm well aware of the fact that smoking is idiotic and best and suicidal at worst, I think about to when I was 18, fresh into college, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. Frost on the ground, crunching beneath my feet, the air that I inhaled sharp with cold. It was visceral, and whenever I get a chance to recreate that particular ten minutes of my life, I do so. It's made much easier by the fact that I bought the house that I lived in when I was 18. 15 years after Tears for Fears released a needlessly bloated album after half of the band had quit, but at least they had that one song.
But nostalgia is a complicated thing for me. There's not a lot that I remember of my childhood that I want to relive. For the most part, I experienced a lot of fucked up things that I don't particuarly want to dwell on. But there a pockets of feelings there, things that I remember that made me feel good. For the most part, they aren't even memories at all, just vague feelings of ease. I get the feeling a lot when it's raining outside and I'm up late by myself, like tonight.
And I remember people that I don't know anymore, and a lot of times I miss them. But, it's not really them I miss. It's the idea of them. I'm sure that most of these people are completely different than they used to be, and if I were to meet them again, they'd disrupt my memory banks and the idea of them would be void. They got old, bald, fat, or slightly less interesting, like most of us do, and they aren't those colors I associate with them anymore. They go from blue to beige, and I don't dream about them anymore. Nothing kills someone like meeting them.
But I do miss people. It's an old story. Get married, have a baby, quit going out all the time, miss a few phone calls here and there, forget to return an email, and then all of the sudden no one even bothers to read your blogs anymore. Try to go out and meet other parents and married couples, but most of them don't share the same interests, and those that do are in such high demand that it's hard to book a date with them. Is it so hard to have a drink with someone and discuss something interesting that doesn't revolve around the color of our children's bowel movements? Can't we talk about Tears for Fears?
In actual news, things are kind of bleak on the homefront. I kind of hate my job, and I'm spending more and more time there. I'm missing out on my family and on doing things that I actually enjoy doing. I've barely touched my guitar in six months, written practically nothing, and I've become pretty dissillusioned with my band and my own musical capabilities on a whole. Hopefully I'll pull out of it, and I usually do, but as I get older, it gets harder. I don't have as many musician friends I can play with, no longer have time to do it when they are here, and sometimes, sometimes the idea that I should just pawn my musical equipment enters my mind.
I'm wrapping up now. The theme for tonight's broadcast is nostalgia. It's a complicated thing for me, because it's like being homesick for a home I've never had, and in a lot of ways, that's true. But I'm making that home for myself now.
I've barely used this thing in about a year and a half or more. Haven't had the time or even the need really, but this is a good way to keep tabs on myself.
Start tech school tomorrow. Not giving up on big boy college, but I gotta have a decent paying job so that I can actually exist while I'm finishing up my History degree. I'm going to get my diploma in electronics technology. I'm doing a co-op program with the local air force base. I'll be soldering chips to bigger chips, making $15 an hour starting out (so I'm told). Which is great, because I'm really tired of my current job. It's really stressful and I get paid about 20% less than I should be paid. I mean, we don't make enough money for them to pay me what I deserve to be paid, which is another story entirely, and yet another reason for me to set myself up for something else. Plus, after tech school, I'll have some skills that will possibly be useful after the Apocalypse, right?